Levels of Tiredness, Religious Crazies, and Fleetwood Mac Melting Your Face

It's Friday night, almost 8:00pm, and I'm sitting in a room full of overeager high school students simulating members of the Defense Department getting way too excited about the prospect of dropping an imaginary nuclear weapon on North Korea, then sending in so many troops and weapons that I'm quite certain Afghanistan and Iraq would have to be emptied faster than the gravy bowl at Al Roker's table. Meanwhile, I'm sitting on my laptop, relaxing to Bob Dylan and ignoring every single thing that is being said to me. Why? Even though this bedroom-sized box is currently holding 24 people, 24 chairs, and enough testosterone to kill a large mammal or Ron Jeremy, I am taking this opportunity to smile and find a bit of peace.

I am so tired, I fall asleep in awkward positions on the half hour bus rides. I'm getting sicker and sicker as the week progresses. I've run through a box of Kleenex and four shirt sleeves. I'm coughing like the Bubble Boy in a smokehouse and find myself having to overdose on caffeine in order to deliver my usual cracks over the bus intercom about what Lady GaGa and I have in common with the same enthusiasm. But, I'm two days away from being done with this adventure, and without delving too deep into it, I have really enjoyed it a lot. A whole lot. As much as a high-class prostitute at a Tiger Woods party.

A few funny moments from the last week:

• Two kids were on the bus behind me, discussing their favorite hard rock music (Metallica, Pantera, etc.) I asked them if they had heard of the hard rock band Fleetwood Mac. They both looked at each other and said no. I told them it was the most thrash, hardcore band I had ever heard, so much so they make me ears bleed. They bought it, hook, line, and sinker. They asked for some of their best songs. I told them "Landslide. Think about it. What happens in a landslide? Destruction." They both wrote the song and band down. Nice.

• So, we're behind the Capitol building, trying to brief the kids on where they go and what they can do while they are there. Next to us is a kid, no older than eight or nine, screaming at the top of his lungs about abortion and Obama being a devil and how Jesus is going to return and slay all sinners. Then, his piece of shit, ignorant, jackass father (who pimps an eight-year-old kid, on a SCHOOL DAY, to random strangers at the Nation's Capitol when the damn kid probably doesn't understand a God damn thing he is screaming) began screaming such classic phrases as, "Obama is sending us to hell in a handbasket" (so cliche), as well as the classic, "Pre-marital sex and fornication is for sinners and you will all go to hell who engage in such acts! (Oops! There goes half the Catholics...and their priests.) He began beating the ground and dancing around as he yelled. In between his gasped screams, I retorted. Below is a transcript...

(SETTING: US Captiol Building. TIME: Late morning. CHARACTERS: me and crazy religious man)
 MAN: (screaming) Jesus...hates...sinners! (breath)
ME: (screaming) The food...at the Supreme Court...is delicious! 
MAN: And those...who follow...that devil Obama...like sheep...will certainly...end up...in hell!
ME: And the Library...of Congress...is really neat!
MAN: Voices...of Christ...Use your mouths...as a trumpet!
ME: (puckers lips and makes a loud trumpet sound...man looks angrily at me)

I'm all about freedom of speech, and in no way am I belittling religion, but using your kid as a mouth piece for your psycho babel (and I couldn't remember half of what he said, but it would qualify as psycho babel) is one step below prick and one step above swift kick in the groin. All my kids were laughing and saying, "I want to get a video of the crazy guy!" Oh, and by the by, most of these kids are conservative and religious. So it's not just me.

• Last night, I listened to a man named Col. Christopher Hughes, member of the 101st Airborne in Iraq. His story is amazing and he is an amazing person, as well as speaker. I was really, really motivated by what he said. You can Google his name and read his story, as well as his book, which I will link here. I already have ordered a copy. I suggest you do, too. Truly, truly amazing person that we often take for granted.

• Finally, I'm finished Sunday, and I'll be back home around mid-week and I'm on the hunt for my next adventure. Do you have any ideas? I am open to any and all suggestions. I will travel anywhere and do almost anything, as long as it is crazy and fun. Education programs, weird jobs, etc. You can e-mail me, Facebook me, or leave a suggestion here. Maybe you'll see me in a city near you!