Classified Ad for Immediate Employment

I am a white male (but don't hold that against me), age 24 (but I've been mistaken for a sixteen year old), seeking employment opportunities with your business! I am seeking any type of employment you have to offer - contract, part-time, or full-time work. Or porn.

QUALIFICATIONS:

I have a Bachelor of Arts degree from a university who prides themselves on being like an Ivy League university, but in the middle of a cornfield in podunk Indiana. I mean, real podunk Indiana. If you step foot off campus, you hear dueling banjo music and see more flannel wearing than a WNBA game. So, I guess you could say I'm cultured. I majored in English Writing, which means I spent four years around stoners who wrote about how difficult their suburban Chicago lifestyles were while growing up. I think someone must have given them bleacher seats once to a Cubs game at Wrigley or something. Who knows? I also dabbled in theatre and political science, so I'm obviously socially aware, or at least I can act like I am. How do you act socially aware if you're a method actor? Spend two weeks with PETA protesters?

I also am a licensed English teacher at the secondary level. With that came part of a Master's degree in education and $20,000 in debt (which is kinda why I need a job). I've worked with children at every skill level - high school, junior high, elementary school, and Mexican. I even have worked with mentally handicapped students, or at least those labeled by the school districts as mentally handicapped so that they could cheat the state by nixing those students ISTEP scores while stigmatizing those students as "special needs" for the rest of their lives. Did I mention I'm socially aware?

I have been a track coach. My runners had a very successful season while I was coaching. We were the only team in the state to wear knee high pink socks and yellow headbands to regionals. While we lost our relay race by a large margin, my runners received more numbers from girls than any other team, and isn't that what high school sports is about, looking cool to impress the opposite sex? That's what I thought, too.

In addition to being a great writer (as evidenced by this advertisement), as well as a superb educator, I am a licensed contractor (I'm good with wood), a skilled guitarist (I cannot play "Dust in the Wind" or "Stairway to Heaven", however), an accomplished actor (I was voted as the "Best Tree #2" in my third grade production of Hair), an excellent cook (tell me if that isn't the best macaroni and cheese you've ever had), and most importantly, a good human being (I hit on old women to boost their self-esteem and I've only hooked up with two of them).

I am also willing to convert to any religion necessary in order to fulfill your needs, except Pentecostal, because I just find blue jean skirts to be a turn off.

EXPERIENCE:

As stated before, I have taught at every level of education, including in Monterrey, Mexico. There, I managed to give a damn despite being nearly deported because the principal of the school which employed me was a lazy jack off who spent more time mentally abusing his employees than actually doing meaningful work, so I am used to adverse conditions. I speak limited Spanish, but I did date a Mexican girl, which gives me lots of experience, but probably nothing useful to your company, unless you're one of those really perverted bosses and you make me your slutty secretary.

I have run my own business doing contracting work, so I am a do-it-your-selfer and highly motivated. I can work without being hassled and pushed, although I do require nap time during the day because I get cranky. This may seem juvenile, even childish, but my productivity will increase exponentially based on the amount of time slept at work. I am attaching an Excel Spreadsheet to lend credence to this claim. I do not, however, require warm milk. This is a common misconception. But hot chocolate and a blanket would be nice. And a soft pillow. This is all negotiable.

DESIRED WORK:

As stated before, I am available for any type of work you may have, from part-time contracted work, to full-time, salaried positions. Or porn.

Here are a few possible options, to give you a clearer picture of what type of employment I might best fit in for your company.

• Roadkill collector - I saw this work on an episode of Dirty Jobs. It looks fantastic. I would tie the carcasses to the bumpers of parked cars and watch as they are dragged along the highway. This would lighten the mood among my co-workers and those driving near said vehicle. And in times like these, and gas prices as they are, wouldn't a little humility help us all?
• Census collector - But I will NOT go to Hannibal Lecter's house.
• Advertiser dressed in a giant cockroach costume (or chicken costume - I'm flexible)
• Grave digger for deceased pets
• Shoe shiner for suede shoes
• Dog walker for dogs with wheel carts (I will provide my own vehicle for carting the dogs behind.)
• Ass model
• Mime for the blind
• Singer for the deaf
• Lady Gaga's personal assistant
• Professional karaoke singer of only "Don't Stop Believin'"
• Pretzel maker at Auntie Annie's in the mall

I hope that this has been helpful to you and I hope that with my wide variety of talents and experience, you can find a position (or positions, if you are a porn producer) that fits your and my needs. My salary is negotiable, as well as my working conditions. As long as you can provide reasonable assurance that I won't be working in a place any worse than the factory from The Jungle, and that I will not be subjected to any contact with Rosie O'Donnell or other fat women with mustaches, then I think we will be able to mutually help one another. I look forward to hearing from you!